Leadership vs Management In The Family Caregiving Setting
Welcome to Best Care For Mom & Dad, the newsletter for sons, daughters, and spouses coping with the challenges of planning for potential caregiving while taking advantage of the longevity economy.
Caregiving in today’s society, especially in the US, is a unique kind of problem. One which most families don’t have an answer for, in fact, they don’t even know how to define the problem. They just react with a deer-in-the-headlights response at first, followed by a tribal-like us vs them posturing attitude, shortly followed by anger, resentment, and finally submission into a “whatever” attitude, “I’ll deal with it on a day-by-day basis.”
All of it, detrimental to not just coping with the problem, instead of actually thriving because of it.
Reminds me of this iconic scene in the movie Moneyball, where the GM for the Oakland As was discussing with his player development team what to do about losing their top 3 players.
I love how Seth Godin puts it:
Leadership is about finding the right people, agreeing on where you want to go and getting out of the way.
—Seth Godin
What family caregiver wouldn’t choose this option, right!
The thing is they don’t know how, because they don’t know HOW to look at the problem. So let’s do that first. Let’s frame it…
What is the real problem middle aged sons, daughters, and spouses struggle with when looking to care for an aging parent or loved one at home?
I can think of a few like, insurances won’t cover 90% of Long Term Care services, compound this by short caregiver demands, not enough workplace and family network support, family budget, and personal time and learning to devote to the process?
Sure, all of the above… but I would argue these are all symptoms of a bigger problem.
I had a very frustrated family caregiver ask me once with a straight face… Why did my parents have to get old!?
The real problem in my opinion lies in a system that seems almost designed to promote frustration and defeat. A system where the essential needs of the older adults and their families are often overlooked, where bureaucracy trumps humanity, and where the vast machinery of big healthcare and big insurance operates with a cold indifference to individual needs. This leads many to a state of despair, frustration and finger pointing.
So then what!?
For starters… Don’t try to change the system. Don’t fight it. You can’t. It’s too large, too bureaucratic, too big to fail. Besides, there are already larger forces at play shifting these healthcare tectonic plates for radical change in the next few years; that will positively impact caregiving at home for most Americans. The thing is, you and millions of other families don’t have that kind of time.
But what you can do is recreate the problem in your own image, reshape your reality, and instead of managing the fall out, become a LEADER in the process and OWN the whole thing!
Here’s how to do that…
As I mentioned, the problem is that the system is rigged to shock you and stop you cold on your tracks. It’s not designed to help you make the caregiving transition a smooth and natural one. And so instead of leading, now you’re reacting and attempting to manage the situation, except you’ve never managed a situation like this before.
As with any problem, understanding its root cause and your situation in context is the winning formula… this way you don’t only control the narrative, but also the sequence of events that follow.
The first step in any transformative journey is to reassess the situation, not as a series of obstacles to be overcome, but as an opportunity to redefine family caregiving on your terms. This means understanding the unique needs and preferences of your aging loved ones and building a care plan that respects these desires while also addressing practical concerns.
This will involve a combination of continuous learning habits, resourcefulness, creativity, and advocacy. It means finding innovative solutions to personal care challenges, such as leveraging technology to monitor health and improve communication, or tapping into community resources for homecare support and respite care. It also means stepping into a NEW role!
But you can’t do it alone. In other words, the name of this game is: Team Building.
Families that take on a management mindset rather than a leadership role, struggle a lot more during the transition. It's very common, not to mention intuitive, to start managing the process, and in many cases this is what I would recommend as a starting point. But you can’t get comfortable in this role. You must switch to a leadership position ASAP!
Your health and well-being depend on it.
Leadership in caregiving is characterized by vision, empathy, and resilience. It involves setting a clear direction for the caregiving journey, one that honors the dignity and autonomy of your loved one while also taking into account your well-being.
Leading in this context means understanding the rules of the game without judgment (judging will zap the energy out of you), making informed decisions, communicating effectively with healthcare providers, and creating a supportive network of family, friends, and professionals who can share in the caregiving responsibilities.
It also means measuring wins not against an ideal setting, but backwards. By asking yourself this question daily:
Are your loved ones better off today than say a month ago? And track progress and define success based on the answer.
Think of yourself as a CEO in a company you own.
But to truly own the caregiving process you must embrace it with all its complexities and challenges, recognizing that, although the journey may be difficult, it is also filled with moments of joy, connection, and growth. It means being present, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, for your loved one and for yourself.
Our next article will cover how we approach caregiving in the US vs other parts of the World – What we’re doing right and what we can do better…
In the meantime, and as far as it concerns you and I, we need to come to grips with the reality that the caregiving journey in the United States, with its myriad challenges, can indeed feel like an insurmountable problem for our families. However, by reframing the issue, reshaping reality, and stepping into a leadership role, we can transform the experience into something meaningful and more than manageable.
But as I pointed out, it will require a shift in perspective, from seeing caregiving as a burden imposed by an uncaring system, to viewing it as an opportunity to lead with love, compassion, and dignity.
This approach is not about being blindly optimistic about the difficulties involved, but instead empowers us to navigate them with grace and strength. We will own the caregiving process, move beyond merely coping and begin to thrive, finding in our very own special journey—not just hardship, but also gratitude, beauty, and profound fulfillment.
Till next week!
Claudio Alegre